Kentucky mining area exodus

Kentucky state officials announced plans today for the evacuation of all residents of at least six undisclosed counties in the southeast and eastern coal regions. Partially funded by both federal and state grants and coordinated by the Office of Mineral Needs, the first phase of the mandatory mass exodus is scheduled for early August and should be completed by the end of the year.

The names of the counties in question are being withheld temporarily over concerns of overburdening offices that are preparing to take applications. Residents are instructed to make applications for a one time relocation allowance at the nearest Office of Surface Disturbance. The payments are only for moving expenses, officials emphasized, not the fair market value of the property they are vacating. West Virginia is considering a similar plan, however, the legislation is bogged down in committee.

“It’s time we did the right thing,” project manager Stephen Harbinger said. “We’ve come to the realization that people living near surface mining sites isn’t a good mix. We’ll solve years of problems with this program by simply relocating them to surrounding counties. This will be good for those benefiting economies.”

When asked whether the program was optional, upcoming congressional candidate Willy Waitnsee commented that it was, in fact, not optional.

“All residents of these counties must move. It’s the patriotic thing to do. The only waivers we anticipate will be for the miners themselves who we will provide work camps for as they continue the coal extraction. They should appreciate the opportunity. They’ll be given the right to continue enjoying their home area while providing our much needed coal. After all, what other options besides coal are there?”

“I just don’t know how we can sit back and let people continue living in areas we’ve destroyed and will continue destroying beyond recovery,” Harbinger told reporters at a press conference at the capital on Tuesday. “It is with a clearer conscious we offer this program to those families who have issues with buffer zone rules, clean well water, and all that environmentalist distraction.”

The plan was not met with community support as 256 protesters were arrested and detained during a demonstration on the capitol steps after the announcement, many having to be shipped to neighboring county detention facilities. “If you think this is a lot of people to arrest, just wait!” a protester yelled to reporters as he was tazed and carried away.

In response an anticipated increases in demonstrations, officials also unveiled plans for special detention facilities especially designed for the influx of mining protest arrests. These facilities should be completed by the middle of August in conjunction with the removal.

“It is our sincere plan to utilize these new public lands in a manner people who grew up here and call it home can appreciate from a distance. Perhaps visit in time. We anticipate at least 750 miles of new ATV trails as well as new four-lane highways established from mining sites to major arteries to speed up the coal extraction process. This should be simpler now with no one living there and with the continued flattening of adjacent lands. The twenty or so years of coal we have left should be taken care of in a quarter of that time with this plan. When it’s gone, it is our sincere hope people can return and will be free to reclaim the land left by the companies in a manner of their choosing. It’s a no-brainer, really,” he said.

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